Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Farther On

I have had a few days of not feeling so positive about things.  Negativity born of fear has been lurking outside my heart.  Finding the door tightly shut, it has tried seeping in through the cracks.  Seems there’s always cracks. 
But I have fought with all my might.  Still, I had to explore deeply why I have not fully stepped into my creations.  Time seems short when you’re 58 and know the years will take what is theirs.  I have been so  faithful, diligent, focused and have felt joy, love and connection like never before.  But now I have to ask myself some hard questions:
·         Am I incapable of reaching this goal?
·         Is this goal actually attainable?
·         Am I too impatient?
Then comes the most important question of all:  what if the answer to all of the above is YES….what will I do differently?  And I know the answer is “nothing”. 
I have this feeling that something is just beyond my perception.  It’s like waiting for a date.  Like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when I was a child.  It’s knowing that vacation is just a week away.  Great anticipation over something somewhere that’s coming to me somehow.  Crazy, uh? 
Maybe not...if I’m going to crash and burn, I don’t want to miss it!!  Instead of using my energy to keep it at bay, I’ve decided to invite it in with love.  If I look at what is hiding under the bed waiting to get me, it no longer holds power over me.  If I know what it is, I can love it (or ignore it) as I choose. 
I’m following my joy and bliss.  I’m living from my heart.  I have my beautiful dreams.  Whatever is “out there” to “get me” and rock my world, BRING IT ON!!  I LOVE IT!!  It is experience and isn’t experience what the human wants, needs, desires?  Everything I believe may not be true, but it does feel better to believe it.  Today I cannot see ahead.  Not even a moment ahead.  Yet, I refuse to be reduced by circumstances.  Life is what it is.  Surely by striving every moment to become a better person is worth something.  Even if it’s not, it’s more fun this way.  It just feels better than the opposite.  “Now the distance leads me farther on, though the reasons I once had are gone…”  (Jackson Browne)  Some days, that’s just all there is!

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to see that you have a blog, and look forward to coming back again. I have you on my Google Reader now!