Monday, August 29, 2011


Hurricane Irene has just made its way up our coastline this past weekend, and I, too, feel a hurricane in my life right now.  Everything is swirling and blowing around me, threatening me with floods of tears, stirring up my very living space and causing my head to spin out of control. 
In order to find peace, do I look for the center of this storm and settle into the eye where all is calm while the storm continues to whip around me?  Or do I just plow through head first, knowing I will be battered about until I get to the other side?  If I ride it out in the center, surely it will fall apart as hurricanes always do.
Until this storm passes…and all storms do pass…I guess I need to hunker down and batten down the hatches!!  Just as the weather turned beautiful, bright and calm when Irene passed, so the prediction of my life must be a beautiful turn for the better when my own hurricane passes.
These are the difficult times of life.  These are the times that while we are going through them seem to make no sense.  We ask “why?” and know the answers are never revealed until later on.  On a day when our life is once again like a sunny day on the beach, we suddenly realize why the hurricane had to come.  We may be changed and rearranged, but in a positive way….a way we created even. 
Maya Angelou said, “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it”.  So, bring it on!!  I look forward to the day when my personal hurricane has blown by and fallen apart!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Crutches Have Their Purpose

Trine Meyer Vogsland
I haven’t been doing a lot of dreaming recently until the past couple of nights.  I’ve really missed it!  I feel dreams send us symbolic messages and often foretell of upcoming events…but I’ll save all that for another day!  Last night I had a dream, and as I related it to a friend on rising, I also realized its significance.  Of course, there are always event s to both precede and follow the gist of the dream, so I will stick to the sticking point!
In the dream, I was going from one end of town to another…in the middle was a “bad section” and it was getting dark, foggy and rainy.  I had begun my journey in a car, but as I approached this “bad” area, I started to walk and use crutches.  Just as it was turning the darkest, I was about to have to go through a tunnel.  A person appeared to me that was very bright (I feel now an angel) and told me that I should not go into the tunnel on crutches, as there were people in there that would want “favors” from me.  I told him that I didn’t really need the crutches, and that I just use them on occasion so that I can more easily relate to others that need them.  He seemed pleased.  I told him that I had forgotten I was actually a great runner and could just run around the area and get where I needed to be quite easily.  He smiled, and with that I tucked the crutches under my arm and began to run.  Right before I could get going, a man grabbed me from behind and had bad intentions.  I realized I could just use the crutches to beat him back, and began to run freely….swiftly…toward my destination.
Wow…think of the symbolism here!  The thing that hit me most was that I did not need the “crutches”…that I only use them to relate to others that also needed them!  As I thought about this, I realized it was another piece of a message I have been getting about “everything they say is wrong with you is what is right with you” and “use your perceived failures as your successes”.  My crutches in life, I think, are my perceived failures…the areas in my life I fall back on time and again….the things I really want to change about my life and, as advised,  am focusing on the thoughts I have surrounding them.  But, according to what I said in the dream, they are not failures at all!  I only use them so I can relate to others that are going through similar situations.  Maybe I need these experiences to help others, which I do feel certain is my main objective in life.  I am really able to run freely and create any and all experiences that I want….but without the crutches, I am unable to fulfill my true mission of helping others in a the way meant for me.
In other words, I previously mentioned in a blog that I often have to fight the feelings that I have failed at love, at finances, at jobs, and struggled with addictions of various and sundry types.  These are the crutches that have given me a knowledge that allows to me relate to others that feel the same.  And let’s face it…the world is full of people that feel that have failed in these and so many other ways. 
And I loved the “angel” in my dream.  He was so bright compared to the darkness around me.  Although he did not have wings and was dressed in something like khaki’s, oxford shirt and sweater vest, he was LOVING and SUPPORTIVE of me and my situation….no judgment at all. 
So, look at your failures…your crutches…and know they are there to serve you in some manner.  Remember that you are actually a free running spirit that can easily arrive at your destination.  You have an angel to help you.  And you can use those crutches to beat back anyone or anything that intends to harm you! 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Move On

I don’t ever like writing about anything remotely negative unless there is an “AHA” at the end.  Yet, I must say, life is very challenging right now.  I know I’m not alone.  Jobs, security, bills, and endless changes are all culprits playing their roles.  Sometimes the effort to remain positive makes me think I will break.  Yes, I am aware it should not be an effort!
I have been going through many journals of mine that I have kept over my life.  I began writing as a teen and have not yet stopped!!  It has been my great joy and I am happy that I now am no longer afraid to share my thoughts.  I have been transferring my poetry to my computer as well as posting it on another blog ( even though I still get butterflies each time I post one!  Yet, I keep in mind the saying, “what would you do if you were not afraid” and continue.
In one journal today, I also found some entries about a former love.  Oh, the angst, the ups and downs, the rationalizations, the striving to ascend to a higher love!  I now also wonder what part hormones played in the whole affair as I did reference them from time to time!!  After reading them, I tore them out and threw them away…I don’t live there anymore. 
All that reading and reminiscing caused me to, once again, take inventory of where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and the places in my life where I have “failed” and “succeeded”.  Although I was twice married, I feel I “failed” at love.  Only one man from my life I feel truly loved (and still loves) me.  I’ve never been able to get my finances in order in the way I’d like to have.  I have had some great jobs, but they have ended…was that my fault also?  So the big “FAIL” has once again been upon me.  Yes, that is all passed.  Yes, it is never too late.  Yes, I only have the moment.  Sometimes, that is just cold comfort, no matter how much I “know”.
Then, my granddaughter, Sarah, came to me and told me she had written a new poem.  She is a chip off the old block, after all, and a source of PURE JOY in my life.  After I read it, I realized that I was indeed getting my message from above.  I remembered that each “fail” is necessary before true “success” can be obtained.  I remembered that “all is well” and “I am safe”.  I remembered to surrender…to let go…things will work out.  I share it with you below.  No further comments will be needed! 
Move On
The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their head it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don't get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Cause the past is the past for a reason
It's been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It's done, it's unchangeable, move on

Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Tribute to my Mother

Jean Lewis Mills - December 19, 1927-August 4, 1989
Beloved Mother Rest In Peace
Recently, my cousin, Mamie posted a blog that posed the question, Does Grieving End?  She was commemorating the first anniversary of her dad’s passing.  I have thought a lot about this and today I turn inward in earnest with this question as today is the anniversary of my own dear Mother’s death.  For me, it has been 22 years since she died quite unexpectedly from a heart attack.  She was only 61 years old, just getting ready for retirement and had many plans and dreams ahead of her. 
She had been orphaned at a young age and raised by her grandmother until she was around 12 years old.  Her grandmother passed and she was sent to live with an uncle.  She and her sister ran away from there and she finished high school while living at the YWCA.  After attending a business college, she began working, marrying and having a family.  Right after my sister was born, she got saved at a Billy Graham Crusade and became the good Christian lady most people, including me, knew. 
She was not wealthy, but had so much class.  She brought up me, my sister and brother in church with good values and morals.  She loved us dearly and held our family together like glue.  We never knew how true this was until her passing. 
There are so many things I don’t know about her.  There are tons of things I wish I could ask her.  I think she may have been trying to tell me some things about getting older, but I was not prepared to hear and understand them yet. 
She was the one person in my life that I could always count on without fail.  The one person that loved me so unconditionally as no one has loved me since.  Not a day of my life goes by that I do not think of her and miss her and long to talk to her…long to feel that kind of love. 
So I would say to Mamie, in a sense, grieving never ends.  It isn’t the kind of grieving that is felt at first…the empty hole, the tears, the depression over the loss.  I actually mostly remember the good things and what I miss most, is what she is missing…my sons growing up, my own grandchildren as well as the children and grandchildren of my brother and sister.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and call for advice.  I miss being able to draw on the years of experience she had beyond mine.
Photo Rob Wiltshire
Today I honor my Mother.  I miss and love her every day.  And yes, in a sense, I grieve for her every day.  I realize how fortunate I am that I had this type of Mother to love me, nurture me, and show me how to be a good person.  Rest in Peace, Mother.  You will always be a part of me.  You live on in each of your children and consequently, your grandchildren and great grandchildren.  And thank you for sacrificing for me, my sister and brother.  I really get it now.